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So as soon as parents conceive, they begin amassing a library of books on how to deal with the fantastic chaos about to enter their lives in the form of a baby; the collection grows with each developmental stage.

Every parent learns by trial and error”—every year of their child’s life, and with every child they raise.

That pull and push moms and dads feel­—between caring about how other parents are raising their kids while rejecting the constant comparisons—defines this generation of parents for better and worse.

Katie Hurley, a psychotherapist in Los Angeles and author of So what are people supposed to do?

For every expert a parent consults by phone or in person, they’re also checking in with the virtual wise man, Google. There is no parental concern too obscure not to have an online group devoted to it.

Shantz is part of one focused on “baby-wearing” because she’s trying to decide whether a “wrap” or a “ring sling” would be better for her nine-month-old. You see posts and you feel guilty because [parents] are carrying their babies everywhere, doing all these things, having this connection.” And yet Shantz hasn’t been able to delete herself from the group, even though she keeps meaning to; nor has she been able to pick between a wrap or sling.